It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
