Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
