She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
