i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
