I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
