I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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