I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
