I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
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You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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