I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
