Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
