We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
