I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
