You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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