While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
