So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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