um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
