my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
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