I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
