Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
