Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
