I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
