Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
