Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
