fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
