69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
