note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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