i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Reggie can tackle my bush.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
