you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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