remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
