the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
