She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
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