put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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