he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
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He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
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also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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