I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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