I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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