I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
