Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
