I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
