he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
