i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
