I wish they made helmets for livers.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
