dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
