Already got asked if we're dating
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
