i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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