my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
A bitchslap is in order.
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