she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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