I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
