Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Blood and glitter go together right?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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