Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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