Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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