I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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