oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
