I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
