I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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