So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
