everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
